Looking Up

How can I rely on a God
that constantly lets me fall?
And yet I know, 
the real promise was to catch us,
not keep us from falling.
Always, at the peak of things,
I'm brought down again.
a sad rollercoaster,
bleeding away,
keeps my mind in a state of dismay.
Is the sadness from me or my life?
and when I rely on Him,
can I stay strong during strife?
I'm falling down again,
can I force my eyes up?






I got fired today from my new job.  It's the first time I've ever been fired.  I showed up on time every day and tried really hard, but I kept messing up while training  because there was so much to remember.  The doctors got mad and complained to the manager, so now I'm back to looking for another job. I loved this job and thought that it was perfect for me, but I guess it was more than I could handle.


 The trip that all of our friends were going to take in July to Baltimore and West Virginia will have to be cancelled, because the reason we could go is because my hubby and I both had good full time jobs and we were carrying the bulk of the expenses.  I know that there are definitely worse circumstances in life, but this still really upsets me.  I really need to read some bible, especially the gospels.  

Shadow Circlets

Circlets of hate wrap around me,

Twining around me, capturing me.

Gilded cages of glowing light,

Only seeing the end of rainbow.

This darkness will never be bright,

From dark only hatred will grow.

I cannot feel for someone else,

Only what reflects back to the surface.

Flightless hope on false wings,

My eyes close to shut out the dark,

Things can’t keep on like this,

I fear becoming a shadow,

Being endless mist,

Because only those who dream can live.

New Days

Some days are just bad days.  That's why God makes new days.

Iowa Flood of 2008

Water’s edge at the river bank,

Never expected it would rise to this height,

When the warnings came, everybody held tight,

Most didn’t expect it to flood their homes,

So they waited it out until it was too late to groan.

Everything in pieces, even the walls,

Halfway up the buildings that we thought were tall,

The water, no longer beautiful, tears through belongings,

Photographs, paintings, books, many things,

Everyone wants to go back and save them from floodwater.

Heaven’s gates remain untouched,

God didn’t cover all of this earth,

Just right here in Iowa.

Maybe God is trying to teach us something?

Maybe we need to know that our possessions are not our life,

Or that changing this river and wasting funds,

Was not the right choice and would only bring strife.

Greedy people clamoring for a refund,

On all of the possessions they lost,

Unmatched amounts of money we lost,

In so many homes, farmland, and crops.

Tell me the reason we’re on this earth,

Is it to be greedy about our possessions,

To save up treasure only on this dirt?

To do so would surely lead only to sin.

God will always provide us with what we need, if we ask him.

Dregged this up from super old files on my computer. This poem was written as the flood of '08 was happening.  I may even post a photo sometime from my camera. :)

Shaky Waves

We can still be just friends,
I'm sure we can get along,
there's something in my heart
that tells me that you haven't given up,
and it's possible we can still be friends,
once again before we move on again,
I've made so many memories with you,
I'm not ready to give up yet,
I want to keep being around you,
no matter what the consequences,
no matter what my senses tell me,
I need to be with you,
let me be around you,
Please just love me for me,
I can't help wanting you to need me,
as I've needed you before,
But so many tears and my eyes remain sore,
my heart is tied in knots,
I'm trying to escape but somehow I can't get free,
from the shaky waves holding me,
the shaky waves I'm drowning in.
Tell me
Just tell me
What you truly want from me,
if you want me at all,
I know it can be hard to tell how you feel,
but I really need you to tell me,
so at the least my heart can heal.
I'm so thankful, yet I still want more,
was this short time all you wanted from me?
If it was, then I should let you go.
I can't be with you any longer,
if that's how you feel.
Know that I truly loved you,
and that you were the first
that I've ever truly loved,
and the first who trapped me in the shaky waves I built.

******
Sad, hopeless poem I found in my ooollllldddd writings on my computer.  Brings back memories.

Bed Rest

Lost in a fog of dreams,
we sleep and wake together,
drifting in and out of weightlessness,
Our hands touch and our minds kiss.
Warm morning light leaks in drop by drop,
Though the sun calls us, we refuse to stop.
We draw close and drink in warmth,
our hearts content while our time is spent,
lying in each other's arms.



*****
It's wonderful being married.  I was married this October 9th, 2010, and am very happy and love my husband so much!  Even though it can be hard to get used to sharing a bed with another person, it is soooo nice to sleep with another person through the night.  Everything is warmer, safer, and I'm no longer lonely when I sleep. :)

Is it Love?

If all I could do is reminisce,


I’d be stuck full of tears,

Drowning in loneliness.

My failures, hidden in clouds,

Surround my back-mind

In a blackened shroud.

My love was no love,

It was selfishness,

At first the two look so similar,

Then it’s hard to miss.

Oh, obsession,

You’ve left the station,

You’re on vacation,

But I’m only dreaming.

My heart tells me pretty lies,

My own conscience died,

And I’m left to die.

How much can I see,

When only darkness is in front of me?

When I bathe in pride and vanity?

Lust is my bathmat, sin is my soap,

God help me,

That I can still find hope.

Oh, obsession,

You’ve never known love,

Only desperation lies inside,

And my conscience has burned and died.

My only redemption is You, God.

My only freedom is in You, God.

If I could only see how much You love me,

If my sins were wiped clean I could see.

I’m on the fence between loving You and rebelling,

As long as I’m here my soul remains tainted,

But in You, I am given freedom from sin’s grasp,

After this is over I’ll be at peace, at last.

 
 
~~~~
I liked a guy a long time ago, and it was very one-sided.  It lasted for four long years, and I never told him bow I felt, because I knew deep down that he was not a good guy and had a lot of issues.  He was selfish and I was only entertainment for when he was bored, yet I would wait all day for him to talk to me.  I thought, at the time, that I loved him, but looking back, now I know I was only selfishly motivated by my own obsession with him.
Things ended badly, but I can say that I have put the past behind me and have forgiven him.  There is not a good enough word to describe how glad I am to know what real love is.