Cheat. Cheater. Cheated.

Endlessly falling into myself,
My eyes widen, pulse fast, adrenaline jumps,
how could I walk into this, again?
How, when we were supposed to begin again?
I want out, I want out,
I don't know where to go and what to do,
everything gets fuzzy and mouth like glue,
I'm just not enough, am I?
A promise is so sweetly intended,
but it's the most evil thing when the promising's ended.
"I never promised that", I hear,
but how could you say that when I made it so clear?
My hopes, all of them, were in you,
and even though I still don't want to lose you,
you aren't the you I thought you were,
And I'm not the me you thought I was.
We can all pretend it's fine,
go off and have a good time,
but we both know it can't last when the world is this grim,
our hearts cry out, breaking from one into halves again.
Who fooled whom, and who ends up alone?
When I step in the door, it's no longer a home.
A beartrap, a torture device, a hell of sorts,
My trust in you was so much that breaking it was a bloodsport.
You can be sweet, and I know you love me,
but your self-hatred and inability don't inspire me,
to be okay with you looking, to be fine with your curiousity,
Because in the beginning it was you who asked trust from me.
I love you, I do,
but who's fooling whom?
Reluctantly hold hands, try to work this through,
When will our beginning, begin again?

Dancing Hair

Watch my hair dance from left to right,

It dances in circles all night.

The wind blows it in funny shapes,

It’s like watching clouds roll by,

I sit in the sun and my hair whirl and shines,

I count the revolutions, almost san ju san times!

Only when it’s moving can you see the flecks of gold,

Almost unnoticeable till the sun, then it’s shiny untold,

‘till the morning light dies and the silk strands go still,

and the shine fades back to gray,

Until the next day. 

Silly whimsy poem. In case you don't know, san ju san means 33 in Japanese. :)

Looking Up

How can I rely on a God
that constantly lets me fall?
And yet I know, 
the real promise was to catch us,
not keep us from falling.
Always, at the peak of things,
I'm brought down again.
a sad rollercoaster,
bleeding away,
keeps my mind in a state of dismay.
Is the sadness from me or my life?
and when I rely on Him,
can I stay strong during strife?
I'm falling down again,
can I force my eyes up?






I got fired today from my new job.  It's the first time I've ever been fired.  I showed up on time every day and tried really hard, but I kept messing up while training  because there was so much to remember.  The doctors got mad and complained to the manager, so now I'm back to looking for another job. I loved this job and thought that it was perfect for me, but I guess it was more than I could handle.


 The trip that all of our friends were going to take in July to Baltimore and West Virginia will have to be cancelled, because the reason we could go is because my hubby and I both had good full time jobs and we were carrying the bulk of the expenses.  I know that there are definitely worse circumstances in life, but this still really upsets me.  I really need to read some bible, especially the gospels.  

Shadow Circlets

Circlets of hate wrap around me,

Twining around me, capturing me.

Gilded cages of glowing light,

Only seeing the end of rainbow.

This darkness will never be bright,

From dark only hatred will grow.

I cannot feel for someone else,

Only what reflects back to the surface.

Flightless hope on false wings,

My eyes close to shut out the dark,

Things can’t keep on like this,

I fear becoming a shadow,

Being endless mist,

Because only those who dream can live.

New Days

Some days are just bad days.  That's why God makes new days.

Iowa Flood of 2008

Water’s edge at the river bank,

Never expected it would rise to this height,

When the warnings came, everybody held tight,

Most didn’t expect it to flood their homes,

So they waited it out until it was too late to groan.

Everything in pieces, even the walls,

Halfway up the buildings that we thought were tall,

The water, no longer beautiful, tears through belongings,

Photographs, paintings, books, many things,

Everyone wants to go back and save them from floodwater.

Heaven’s gates remain untouched,

God didn’t cover all of this earth,

Just right here in Iowa.

Maybe God is trying to teach us something?

Maybe we need to know that our possessions are not our life,

Or that changing this river and wasting funds,

Was not the right choice and would only bring strife.

Greedy people clamoring for a refund,

On all of the possessions they lost,

Unmatched amounts of money we lost,

In so many homes, farmland, and crops.

Tell me the reason we’re on this earth,

Is it to be greedy about our possessions,

To save up treasure only on this dirt?

To do so would surely lead only to sin.

God will always provide us with what we need, if we ask him.

Dregged this up from super old files on my computer. This poem was written as the flood of '08 was happening.  I may even post a photo sometime from my camera. :)

Shaky Waves

We can still be just friends,
I'm sure we can get along,
there's something in my heart
that tells me that you haven't given up,
and it's possible we can still be friends,
once again before we move on again,
I've made so many memories with you,
I'm not ready to give up yet,
I want to keep being around you,
no matter what the consequences,
no matter what my senses tell me,
I need to be with you,
let me be around you,
Please just love me for me,
I can't help wanting you to need me,
as I've needed you before,
But so many tears and my eyes remain sore,
my heart is tied in knots,
I'm trying to escape but somehow I can't get free,
from the shaky waves holding me,
the shaky waves I'm drowning in.
Tell me
Just tell me
What you truly want from me,
if you want me at all,
I know it can be hard to tell how you feel,
but I really need you to tell me,
so at the least my heart can heal.
I'm so thankful, yet I still want more,
was this short time all you wanted from me?
If it was, then I should let you go.
I can't be with you any longer,
if that's how you feel.
Know that I truly loved you,
and that you were the first
that I've ever truly loved,
and the first who trapped me in the shaky waves I built.

******
Sad, hopeless poem I found in my ooollllldddd writings on my computer.  Brings back memories.