Fish in the Sky

Folding gently into wisped wings,
a cocoon of a thing, barely seen,
we dart between fantasy and concrete.
Our faces are sunken but our hearts float light,
-a wraith or a skeleton? a question asked by the night,
but we snicker and shed our skins to take flight.

Helplessly

Some days I feel alive,
Some days I feel like a well-worn cave,
Some days I feel happy,
Some days I'm not the same.
I have searched for and longed for resolution to my past,
Peaceful waves rippling from the evening sun
After this hopeless storm has passed,
Yet my eyes are dim with helpless crying,
I can't get better despite all my trying
Teardrops fall crooked and no one seems to care
The anguished heart in me supposed they aren't aware.
I have tried it all and yet no remedy surfaces,
Lost in a prison is my fate 
Until something hopeful comes to my gate.
Who will save me? Who will pluck me up?
It seems for all my trying, it's never enough.
I have prayed all night and all day
It never makes the pain go away,
I have taken pills and talked to friends,
But this hellish state never ends.
I can't breathe right and I can't enjoy things,
Without a sad side of the story coming out.
Still, my hope is within me,
Though this heart is torn inside me,
And though I wander looking for a way out,
There's a place in me where there is no doubt.
Musical choruses alight my senses there,
Angels swarm me with gifts and songs,
Jesus opens his warm arms,
And I find my rest indeed.
He will find me no matter where I lie,
No matter what I do and not matter how I hide,
He's the one who can pluck me away,
And I don't mean in a final sort of way, no,
I intend for him to save me daily,
When I am down, He comforts,
When I am in pain, he protects,
When I am alone and wounded, He comes near,
When. I am depressed, he gives me life.
So when I'm sad and alone, with no one to warm me,
He is there, waiting patiently for me,
And I am not alone.

Concave

Holed up in a blanket cocoon,
waiting under clocks and moons,
my fingers creak like thin ice,
the light's been pulled from my eyes.
I can't feel hope for things I once did,
and the loneliness has stripped me naked.
A desperate need to be filled again,
when there's only truly one need within.
Certain that the dawn brings bumps in the night,
I fold into myself and hold on tight.
I used to be a girl, favorably warm,
now I'm only a carcass, withered and worn.
My eyes creep close while my heart pumps fast,
the horns blare past and young ladies stare, aghast.
A crooked little thing stumbling in the cold,
was me, is me, could be me - if I were to be so bold.
I'm more visual than ever before, thinking about the world,
yet I feel closer to death than ever before, my soul's been sold.

Cheat. Cheater. Cheated.

Endlessly falling into myself,
My eyes widen, pulse fast, adrenaline jumps,
how could I walk into this, again?
How, when we were supposed to begin again?
I want out, I want out,
I don't know where to go and what to do,
everything gets fuzzy and mouth like glue,
I'm just not enough, am I?
A promise is so sweetly intended,
but it's the most evil thing when the promising's ended.
"I never promised that", I hear,
but how could you say that when I made it so clear?
My hopes, all of them, were in you,
and even though I still don't want to lose you,
you aren't the you I thought you were,
And I'm not the me you thought I was.
We can all pretend it's fine,
go off and have a good time,
but we both know it can't last when the world is this grim,
our hearts cry out, breaking from one into halves again.
Who fooled whom, and who ends up alone?
When I step in the door, it's no longer a home.
A beartrap, a torture device, a hell of sorts,
My trust in you was so much that breaking it was a bloodsport.
You can be sweet, and I know you love me,
but your self-hatred and inability don't inspire me,
to be okay with you looking, to be fine with your curiousity,
Because in the beginning it was you who asked trust from me.
I love you, I do,
but who's fooling whom?
Reluctantly hold hands, try to work this through,
When will our beginning, begin again?

Dancing Hair

Watch my hair dance from left to right,

It dances in circles all night.

The wind blows it in funny shapes,

It’s like watching clouds roll by,

I sit in the sun and my hair whirl and shines,

I count the revolutions, almost san ju san times!

Only when it’s moving can you see the flecks of gold,

Almost unnoticeable till the sun, then it’s shiny untold,

‘till the morning light dies and the silk strands go still,

and the shine fades back to gray,

Until the next day. 

Silly whimsy poem. In case you don't know, san ju san means 33 in Japanese. :)

Looking Up

How can I rely on a God
that constantly lets me fall?
And yet I know, 
the real promise was to catch us,
not keep us from falling.
Always, at the peak of things,
I'm brought down again.
a sad rollercoaster,
bleeding away,
keeps my mind in a state of dismay.
Is the sadness from me or my life?
and when I rely on Him,
can I stay strong during strife?
I'm falling down again,
can I force my eyes up?






I got fired today from my new job.  It's the first time I've ever been fired.  I showed up on time every day and tried really hard, but I kept messing up while training  because there was so much to remember.  The doctors got mad and complained to the manager, so now I'm back to looking for another job. I loved this job and thought that it was perfect for me, but I guess it was more than I could handle.


 The trip that all of our friends were going to take in July to Baltimore and West Virginia will have to be cancelled, because the reason we could go is because my hubby and I both had good full time jobs and we were carrying the bulk of the expenses.  I know that there are definitely worse circumstances in life, but this still really upsets me.  I really need to read some bible, especially the gospels.  

Shadow Circlets

Circlets of hate wrap around me,

Twining around me, capturing me.

Gilded cages of glowing light,

Only seeing the end of rainbow.

This darkness will never be bright,

From dark only hatred will grow.

I cannot feel for someone else,

Only what reflects back to the surface.

Flightless hope on false wings,

My eyes close to shut out the dark,

Things can’t keep on like this,

I fear becoming a shadow,

Being endless mist,

Because only those who dream can live.